I am writing this post mostly to thank my friends for their persistent attempts to make contact with me, despite my recent withdrawal from anything social. A lot has been going on lately, some good and some I am still trying to figure out. I don't want to take for granted that people read my blog, but then again, I guess it is a good way to keep people updated, regardless of whether or not it's positive or negative. It's about being real.
About a month ago I went to see a counselor through the "Employee Assistance Program" paid for by the agency I work for. I finally made the appointment after taking a day off of work due to feeling overwhelmingly tired and lethargic. At one point that day I had told Brad to be nice to me because I had just woken up, to which he responded, "yeah - for the third time today."
[Prior to seeing the counselor, however, I went to see my primary physician after tolerating increasingly frequent migraine headaches and to talk about the lethargy thing. My bloodwork tested negative for whatever they tested for (thyroid function being one) and the doctor increased my Zoloft dosage, instructed me to keep using the Excedrin Migraine, and to come back in a month.]
Back to the part about the counselor -- without getting too involved, I was basically told to quit my job, and that it wasn't worth "sticking it out" for six months until I start grad school because I would be jeopardizing my emotional health. Two weeks later, I interviewed and was offered a position at the same agency where I work now, but for just six months to cover another employee's maternity leave. Temporary? It works out well for me, because in August, I'll be starting graduate school full-time and will only want to work part-time. The agency for which I work is good at placing their employees into positions to fit their situations and needs. When the temporary position is up, I will pursue a part-time position in the agency). People ask me if this new position is a promotion, and in a way, yes. The pay rate is the same, but the job involves working with at-risk children between Kindergarten and Fifth grade, and are referred by the school. My title will be "Clinical Case Worker" and despite not getting a raise in pay, the position is a sort of "reward" for my experience and my "good reputation within the agency" (so I was told by the hiring supervisor). At this point, I don't have a start date and am relatively frustrated with the lack of communication by my current supervisor regarding my transfer to the new program and expectations for the cases I am currently carrying, but this will all come to pass.
Another realization I have made recently is that despite being married to my best friend, he is a man, and men do not meet a very specific need in a woman's spirit to be with her girlfriends. And I miss my girlfriends. I often take my female friendships for granted, but lately, when I am not feeling very well, I think about how much I miss girl talk and laughing about our husbands, complaining about our parents, and telling stories from the past. And when my mind starts to go the place where I dream up elaborate girls' nights out, or girls' trips up north, I realize all I really need to to just talk to someone. But picking up that phone seems hard for me. Or I think about E-mailing dinner invitations, and then do not follow through. So that just adds to my sadness that I want something so badly, but cannot seem to organize myself enough to initiate the solution to the problem.
I also continue to struggle with balancing my level of involvement with church and being married to the Youth Pastor. I am becoming an unreliable volunteer, who is unable to fulfill obligations and risk being a royal disappointment to my husband. I made the comment a couple days ago that I have gotten to the point where I don't want to be bothered with church. What a horrible thing for someone to feel about the place they are supposed to go to when feeling spiritually drained and restless. Instead, it adds to my feelings of being overwhelmed and overcommitted. And I struggle with these feelings.
On a positive note, a new yet-to-be-named-young women's group has been formed at my church, and although we have only met twice, I am very excited about the emotional support and spiritual refreshment this will offer me. Not only will the group provide me some scheduled "girl time" but I will get to read some really great books, helping to strengthen my faith.
And as for the house? We now have a sink, a faucet, a partial ceiling, some lights, pantry drawers, a counter top, and the cabinet faces are on the way. And that's just the kitchen! Check out the pictures on my
flicker.com account.
Hopefully I will pick back up on posting interesting news and fun experiences on this here blog site, and that the content is not always about the cat, Brad, or as a recent post suggests, poop.
And for those of my friends who have sent concerned text messages or E-mails (poor Hallmark), thank you and I love you!
